No Lasting Harm
by madasmonty
Summary: It wasn't Jenny's fault. It was all Julian. But could they still blame Julian for the dreams? The nightmares of an empty fairground. Wandering through the broken rides, calling his name. She couldn't let him go...


No Lasting Harm

_There has been no lasting harm done, Jenny._

They thought they understood her fear, the way she sometimes stopped smiling in the middle of a conversation, her eyes going opaque.

They thought it would be fine, just a few months of care and loving attention and she'd be all better. Soon she'd forget how a handsome boy stepped toward her and smiled and told her he loved her more than life itself. She'd forget the feel of his twilight kisses and his soft caress. After all, she never gave in to him.

Didn't she?

They thought she'd learned, thought she knew better now.

Then again, they thought she knew better before.

But that was the problem, you see. They always thought that Jenny couldn't. Wouldn't. She would never dream of falling for a Shadow Man.

But she does know better now. Julian taught her better than her parents did. More than she ever wanted to know. More than they ever wanted her to know. What they wanted to protect her from. What they wanted to protect. Her innocence.

In a way, she knows more than they do.

They think that innocence comes with wide eyes and a happy smile. Being able to act clumsy, smiling innocently, laughing with her friends, being kind to everyone. Oh, she really does know better.

You don't know innocence until you've lost it. And you don't lose it until you've looked into yourself, and saw what darkness you were capable of.

It wasn't her fault. It was Julian's, they repeated. He had hypnotised her. He had captured them all and forced them to play his Game. She was innocent of wrongdoing.

Their words only upset her more. She was guilty, only they wouldn't give her penance, wouldn't let her grieve for innocence lost.

She'd been weak and she knew it. In the end, she'd fallen for the fallen angel and tried to save him. She'd longed for Tom to become Julian and for him to hold her. She'd wished she'd accepted his offer in the beginning.

But still it wasn't her fault. Not Summer's near-death. Not the horror they had experienced. It was all Him.

But could they still blame Julian for the dreams? The nightmares of an empty fairground. Wandering through the broken rides, calling his name. _Julian. Julian. Why won't you come Julian?_ She couldn't let go.

She knew she should. Tom was with her and he loved her. Tom was Julian's opposite. Light and goodness and everything Jenny _should _love.

But she couldn't forget, mustn't ever forget. He was with her always. _I am my own master. _That was a lie. He was her master.

She held on because it was better knowing. Better than the fear, the guilt, the doubt, the touches of madness.

Jenny hid behind Zach and Michael and Tom. The men in her life that cared for her. The ones who had replaced Julian. She spent every waking hour with them so as to attempt to blot out her anguish at the loss of Julian. She used them to fight back the longing, how deeply she wanted him back with her.

But she'd never tell them. She knew what they would say, watched as they would mouth those words, meaningless words, useless words, lying words, only they believed them to be true. Julian is gone, Jenny is safe, and everything's fine, fixed and happy.

She could never tell them.

She knew better now. She could smile and laugh again, freed from lies and loneliness. The past had faded into memory.

She thought that they would have learned that memories could harm you.

So they smiled when she did. They all played this new Game. This Game in which Jenny had never kissed Julian. This Game in which he had never saved her from the bees. This Game in which he had never saved her from drowning.

Because she was innocent, after all.

And there was no harm done.

So when sometimes she would get that look in her eyes, they would tell her: _There has been no lasting harm done, Jenny._

Sometimes she even believed them.


End file.
